Emotions

04-09-2020 It’s so weird to feel this out of touch with my emotions. I’m agitated with sound, movement, and dogs wanting to be right on top of me today. I think it’s because shopping is happening today, with Tiffanie and Dorian going to Trader Joe’s, and Mike to Costco. I had to get the list all ready, see who was going to get what, and then worry that Mike won’t take the precautions needed, but he did say he was wearing his mask, so that’s good. He calls every 5 minutes or so to make sure he is getting the right things! I think all stores are making you wear a mask now, so that’s a better step toward keeping things at bay. I have been bravely calling and getting information about my treatment and spoke with the radiation oncologist yesterday. She is going to put me on a short course of 3 weeks, rather than the 6.5 weeks, so that’s good news. That starts about 3-4 weeks after chemo. The appointment for the port is scheduled for the same day as I will start the chemo, which is the 21st of this month. I questioned this, and had to talk to a nurse that was very helpful in explaining that, while my concerns for doing all of this on the same day, with the potential side effects of the chemo on top of a surgical procedure are warranted, there is also another way to look at it. Bill, the nurse, was able to calm me down, explaining that I will be given twilight sedation, and that they are going to put the catheters in for the chemo at the same time, so I won’t have to get stuck again with the newly placed port. So, win-win—drugs to make me sleepy and relaxed and I’ll be ready to go for the first chemo treatment as soon as they move me to the cancer center, a couple hundred feet from the hospital where the procedure will be done. If you have never been involved in cancer treatment, it’s complex, scary, and sometimes conflicting, (people keep telling me it’s going to save my life, therefore I should be happy!), and easily dismissed, and I haven’t had the first treatment yet and feel overwhelmed by all of it at times. For instance, I can eat this, don’t take that, don’t eat that, do take this, don’t do that, and so on, with a list of side effects that is neither welcome or completely understood yet, other than fatigue is pretty much a guarantee. That one, I am familiar with, but adding more to my already stressed body makes me have this “movie” in my mind that I’ll have to have people pulling me out of bed everyday, just to ensure I’m still alive. So, excuse me for not being “happy,” that all of this is going to save my life and simply agree that the emotions of all of this is more like something that is “tolerable,” and a mental/physical strain from the detour of normal, day-to-day living. If I’m lucky, I’ll be in the 30% that don’t have too many of the side effects. Brave is a phone call (a poem) I know it’s stupid, but being brave, For me, Right now, Is picking up a phone to call doctors. Afraid of, “No, or can’t or,” just wait some more. The “Yes, mam,” girl was told by me, I need a lot of information, It’s a good thing she agreed. Yes, it is, and still I wait for answers.