05-05-2020
What has breast cancer taught me so far?
1. Slow down and notice. Rushing creates myopic eyesight. It’s easy to get wrapped up in life and forget the beauty of things all around us… The beauty of nature in all it’s glory and even it’s grossness is still wonderful and a sight to behold! Living in a beautiful house with a million dollar view. Enjoying the smells of a freshly cleaned dog, or clean sheets on my bed give me a wonderful sensory overload that is so welcomed. And so much more.
My new nurse Lilly commented on the beautiful weather today, and somehow we then spoke about the Covid19 virus that was found to mutate. After a little information about viruses, she brought it right back to, “But I’m going to focus on the beautiful weather.” Thank you cancer for that.
2. My husband Mike is not only an amazing caretaker, never complaining when I need something that I don’t have the energy to get, but he is also empathic, cares deeply for my well-being and for that of our dogs and our home. Living in the forest it’s sometimes hard to see the trees. Thank you cancer for allowing me to see the firmly planted tree that is Mike.
3. Weeds grow when mixed with lots of water and sunshine, but also do the roses, the fruit trees, the veggies we grow and the ground cover. Some weeding will allow those things we want to flourish and thrive; just like in life. Remove those things that are weeds in our lives and the important things will fill in the gaps left behind. We often, as the human race, do it backwards and we neglect or forget to nurture those things that are important, albeit relationships, or gardens, which allows the weeds to grow and overtake the things that are healthy and needed to grow and live peacefully. Thank you cancer for that.
4. Cancer is “not” fair. It has no boundaries or boarders, and in fact, looks for vulnerable hosts to invade. It’s fast, accurate and potentially deadly if not attended to. It crosses all barriers of life and living and no amount of money, privilege or gender is able to stop once it invades the body. It doesn’t matter how or why, however, it does matter when, and often the ability to pay. If there were a magic, one wish only wand, I couldn’t take all the different cancers away, but I would give those that need it access to the best health care so they could fight it. That seems to fit into a nice wish for the world. Thank you cancer for that.
5. I really enjoy being home (Covid19 reference here), and will need to avoid a lot of things right now until I get through all the treatments. I know it’s difficult for many, but I truly enjoy padding around my house, going barefoot all day, looking at nature as I pass by my windows, and grabbing a camera to take photos of events that happen just outside my front door and close to my front porch. Thank you cancer for this extra time to enjoy.
6. Life is an illusion, like control. We don’t have control of anything except our thoughts. I could hate lots of things, including many people that don’t agree with my politics, but that is giving power to people I wouldn’t choose to have in my life to begin with; that is the illusion—many believe they are “right” while trying to justify their actions or the actions of others that they follow like a cheap, black velvet painting of the illusion many call the messiah. Blame is easy, but taking personal responsibility for one’s life/actions is hard, but if anyone would like to find their “own true self,” stop believing what others tell you and be responsible for your own actions. Thank you cancer because I choose love.
Treatment #3 today and only nine more of this schedule to go. I fasted a bit longer today and my new nurse Lilly was interested in the process. I feel pretty good, again, and last week the only issues I had were the sinus symptoms (damn nose is dripping all the time!), and a bit of lower GI cramps, but only after a glass of wine. That will be a no go for a time, but I’m okay with that as well, even though I love red wines, I have discovered it makes my gut work too hard, and it’s already working hard to process all the drugs.
I’m reading A Course in Miracles made easy by Alan Cohen, again. I never had the chance to finish it when I bought it last year and then it went missing. I bought another, and if I do find the missing book again, I’ll gift it to someone that would like to read it.
It’s not a religious book, but it is full of scripture with explanations of how and what some of them mean, however, not in a God-fearing way, but in a way of love and support. It helps me to let go of old ideas and beliefs and is helping me to keep on a path of love and kindness. It helps me to take care of me, where the higher being actually lives, not as some omnipresent thing in the sky.
From A Course in Miracles (ACIM): The biblical account (Leviticus 16:20-22) tells of the “newly birthed Hebrew nation and how they were wandering the wilderness searching for the Promised Land.” They got discouraged and the priest Aaron brought a goat out in their camp and told people to cast their sins into beast. They all believed the goat was to take their sins away as it was released into the wild. This is where the word Scapegoat originates.
“We still believe we can rid ourselves of unwanted traits, the book continues, by projecting them onto other people. Ex-spouses serve as excellent candidates for projection, as do ethnic and racial groups. Hitler and the German nation used the Jewish people to scapegoat their mass disowned shadow. Crusades and inquisitions have murdered millions in the name of Christ.
Witch hunts, literal and political, have burned countless innocent people at the stake. Women have been beaten and downtrodden for centuries. African Americas have been incarcerated for decades for crimes they didn’t commit. Gays have been denied rights and ostracized… And on and on. The relief the ego promises via projection results only in tragedy.
No one can draw a cloak of darkness over the outer world and retain awareness of inner light. Projection promises to protect the self, but it only disempowers. Your true self, ACIM, assures you, needs no protection. “In my defenselessness my safety lies.” (W Lesson 153). Who you are is eternal, invulnerable, and without sin. Projection will only deepen the rift you perceive between yourself and love. You do not need to get rid of what you never had. When you release others from the projection of your false assumed weakness, you release yourself.”
Life is an illusion, as is control, something I’ve been saying for the past 30 years or so, and with that, I look to my internal light to offer luminous to avoid the trap of projection.
Oddly, I'm just about the happiest I've ever been right now. It's possible to be both sad and concerned for others (pandemic) and grateful for just the nicest things that go well. I gladly help others where I can. I have the luxury of champion napping. I have the best friends and family that were beyond what my simple mind could fabricate earlier in life. It's going to be okay.
Very good read - thank you for adding some layers to think about! Love your musings, and really like your nurse (and your port shirt). You are showing us how it's done with dignity and courage and love! Much love to you.